


sometimes

by doubleknot



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Character Study, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, no beta we die like my will to live
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23625478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubleknot/pseuds/doubleknot
Summary: sometimes...sometimes jisung thinks about dying.sometimes being dead sounds better than being alive.
Kudos: 41





	sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> [additional warnings: issues with eating, self esteem issues, and body image issues]
> 
> please heed the tags. they are there for a reason. do not read this if any of these things may be triggering to you.

park jisung does not think of the world as cruel and unforgiving. he does not think of it as a dog eat dog world. no, he could never think of it like that.

however...he does think of it as a mother bird that gives her baby a push out of the nest to go and be independent. sometimes the push is helpful and puts wind under that bird's wings. sometimes the push is too early and sends the bird hurtling to the ground. 

sometimes jisung thinks he was given a helpful push that sent him soaring through the air. 

he had gotten lucky enough to be accepted into one of the biggest companies in the idol industry. 

sure, his trainee years had been difficult. he would spend nights laying in a dark, empty practice room because he couldn't bring himself to stop until he got the moves just right.

he has hyungs who love and adore him.

people who would protect him in any way they could.

a vast, unusual family. 

but sometimes he isn't too sure that the push was of any help.

sometimes jisung feels like he has hit the ground and broken his wings.

he can't get up and fly no matter how hard he tries.

every flap of his wings is painful and leaves him reeling.

sometimes jisung wishes to be normal.

he wishes he hadn't ever become an idol.

he wishes he had just stayed in school and stuck with his little circle of friends. 

he wishes that he hadn't jumped for the moon and somehow landed among the stars.

he wishes that his dreams had never come true.

sometimes jisung wonders if he could have ever even been normal if he hadn't become an idol.

he never really knew how to fit in.

he wasn't the most social and hadn't ever really figured out just how to interact with others.

he was too shy and anxious to let others know that he was fun and sweet under all of his skittish ways.

he knew his friends back then had never really been his friends. 

he knew that they only stuck with him because he was smart and too nervous to ever talk back. 

sometimes he wishes that those so called friends would have just told him how truly pathetic they thought he was. 

he already knew he was but he just felt like someone else's confirmation would make it feel more real.

his mind and soul scream at him for someone's validation even if it is about his own degrading thoughts. 

god, he really is pathetic.

sometimes the boy thinks that he's overwhelming.

he doesnt have friends so whenever someone shows even the slightest interest, he clings.

he clings so hard that the bones is his wings start to ache once more.

but sooner or later, he gets too scared to get that close to a stranger. 

so he lets go as quickly as he clung on. 

he doesn't have friends and he doesn't know how to make any but he doesn't need friends, right?

sometimes jisung doesn't know how to be around others without panicking.

he's never been one for large crowds that buzz with life. or loud noises that ring in his ears. or for so much socialization that it makes his brain feel like mush. 

being in a massive group like nct is never something he had anticipated.

there's times when his hyungs touches make his skin crawl and feel ablaze.

and their voices beat against his eardrums. 

and their smiles grate away at his emotions.

sometimes he holes up in his room with the door locked and falls apart.

his chest heaves so much that his rib cage feels like it's going to shatter and turn into dust.

his lungs desperately beg him for air but no matter how hard he tries, nothing ever reaches them.

tears stream down his face almost like the way he's seen and felt blood flow from his wrists.

his body shakes, his lips tremble, and his fingers grasp frantically at anything that may ground him.

sometimes the teen can't put on a happy face no matter what.

none of his hyungs jokes make him giggle or cringe like they usually do.

no one's poking and prodding at his sides can make him smile and squeal in glee.

chenle's hugs and soft touches remain ignored.

jaemin's playful parental-like nagging goes in one ear and out of the other.

jisung just spends his time staring off into space and numb.

sometimes jisung wishes that he never had to sit at a dinner table.

any food that is placed in front of him makes his stomach twist but not out of hunger.

his hands shake as he tries to hold the utensils given to him. 

he can usually manage a few bites before asking to be excused.

there's times he doesn't even sit at the dinner table.

and there's times where he's forced to sit there until he stops picking at his food and actually eat half of it. 

those times he hates the most. he hates swallowing down every bite. he doesn't deserve to eat. he doesn't want to. he wishes he didn't need to. 

sometimes jisung avoids mirrors and cameras.

mirrors are the easiest to avoid. 

he has managed to get down a routine that is mirror free.

he brushes his teeth and washes his face with his eyes screwed shut.

he always runs his fingers through his hair without looking at anything.

he knows one of his hyungs will fix it if it isn't tame and neat. 

he doesn't want to have to rely on anyone but if it meams he doesn't have to look at a mirror then so be it.

it means he doesn't have to see his dead eyes staring back him.

he doesn't have to see every flaw and imperfection that is his own.

he doesn't have to get a chance to knitpick at his own body until it sends him into a meltdown.

cameras are harder to avoid since he's an idol and the public follows his every move to hope they can catch his slip up on camera. 

but he can avoid being in pictures and personal videos.

he easily slips away from his hyungs whenever they try to pull him into a selfie.

or he covers his face with his hands when they sneak up on him while making a video.

though there are times whenever he can't avoid mirrors and cameras.

he still has to use the mirrors in their practice room to get choreographies down. 

but those god damn mirrors are always his downfall.

watching himself dance in those mirrors just magnifies all that is wrong with him.

it shows him how disgusting he is.

how useless he is.

how gangly and awkward he is.

how he is unable to dance right.

how he will never be considered a perfect idol.

sometimes...

sometimes jisung thinks about dying.

sometimes being dead sounds better than being alive.

sometimes jisung hopes to go to sleep and never wake up again.

sometimes he wishes to be six feet under the ground.

sometimes he wishes that the aching heart inside his chest would stop beating forever.

sometimes he thinks about taking his own life.

sometimes he thinks for days on end about it.

sometimes he even plans it.

sometimes he holds full bottles of pain killers to his chest and wonders how many it would take to kill him.

sometimes he grasps razors in a gentle hold and questions which direction would be unfixable.

sometimes he wants to die.

but sometimes is not all the time.

sometimes is just that though...

sometimes. 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think of jisung as any of these things and I hope jisung doesn't view himself this way. this is just me self projecting while experimenting with my writing style.


End file.
